It’s true I have a child

It’s true I have a child. But I am not writing to make any declaration here. I don’t need to, even if sometimes I get these long stares from pretty young girls when I tell them about it. Then I start imagining what they are imagining. “What… thought I would be your first?” Then I laugh inside myself. I laugh and laugh until I am becoming nuts. Then I realize I have either invited them for a cup of tea, or they have done the invite. So I compose myself and we chat and thereafter I go back to my child.

Let me not tell you about the child’s name at the moment. It is not important. It is not as important as his character traits. You see when he was born about two years ago I looked at him and thought “Eeh this character has a rather big head.” But I said I should not call him big headed. I only called him ‘Kichwa Kubwa - Big Head.’ He has since grown and now he promises to be a well cut lad. I mean just like his father. You laugh eeeh…I also laugh. It’s the inspiration of the lizard that fell from the tall iroko tree that inspires me. Chinua Achebe talks about that lizard in one of his books, acknowledging him for saying he will praise himself since there was no one to praise him when he fell.

So Kichwa Kubwa is no longer ‘big head.’ I call him Man Man these days. And he responds fast. I guess he enjoys being a man. But well is there any beauty of being a man really? Sometimes I call him ‘Beste – friend.’ For sure we chat a lot as men with him. And I sometimes whisper what Daudi Kabaka tuned “Ukizaliwa wewe ni kijana, ukose kazi taabu yote itakuapata – if you are born a man and you end up unemployed you will be in lots of trouble.”

Anyway let me stick to this topic. It’s true I have a child. And this child has a way of his own. I don’t know why but he loves touching my nipples. Yes I have nipples. Laugh…laugh…I am also laughing. Small as they may seem, but they are there. And he loves cuddling them for reasons best known to him. Or maybe he wants to go back to being a much younger child. Of course he has all the signs of being straight so stop imagining him that way.

These days he has been taught to say “touuu tatiii.” This for those who have never brought up children is a child’s way of saying in Kiswahili “ndio huyu dadii.” To mean “here is my father.” And when a child says so you are reminded of the tender care he needs from you. You see the way you pray to God…My Father…the child sees you that way. Let’s not laugh here.

Now last week, this fellow made me feel ‘waooh.’ I came home carrying some luggage that weighed about 5kg’s. So I thought let me test this fellow. I gave him at the door step and told him to take into the house.  Being the lizard that fell from the tall iroko tree, he could not say "I can’t carry this"…he just dragged it in, and sat on the couch panting and praising himself as no one was interested in his issues. Anyway the fact that he showed the desire to do manual work was promising. The children we are bringing up these days look like they will not even kick out a millipede from the house in the future. 

Have I told you all? No. And this is actually the most interesting, most interesting because I had to apply psychoanalysis to get to its bottom. You see, of late he has been putting on my shoes. Imagine a young brat putting on his father’s shoes. Then he moves around dragging his feet stupidly and falling down lazily. What can that mean? Let’s get serious now…what can that mean? It can mean only one thing if only you read it below.

That he wants to get into your shoes, yes, but besides that he wants to take up your roles. By putting on your shoes it means he wants to go where you go, he wants to dance to the tunes you dance; almost saying he wants to dance with the beauties you dance with. 

By putting on your shoes it means he wants to topple you down in that style that the Oedipus fellow did his father. Or what do you think? I feel like this guy is demonstrating this complex. Actually to make it worse I saw him put on my jacket last evening and went straight to his mother almost saying “too mimi tatiii…I mean in Kiswahili…Ndio mimi dadii…and in English…look I am daddy.” 

So guess what I did this morning. I felt so scared of him as I can’t compete for a woman. I rushed out of home and came here to complain. Now if you know the psychology of Oedipus complex you know why I urgently need your help.

Sob...sob...sob!